By Rolly C. Obedencio
I was in Thailand. It was 4:30 AM, Saturday, January 19, 2008, when I was awaken by my subconscious mind due to a series of dreams which themes centered on age, achievement, need for communication, family and worries about the shortness of life. I was trying to understand why I felt like my heart was exploding as if something was burning inside, ready to explode like a bomb. Images of middle-aged and post middle-aged people, such as my friends, family and relatives suddenly flashed across my mind, urging me to give them a call to communicate with them about some issues at this age, perhaps in the hope of trying to understand the meaning and purpose of life. I was trying to understand why my heart was pumping so hard and seemed to be full of worries, perhaps stress. I don’t understand why I should have that much stress in the early part of the morning.
In my dream, I was looking for my childhood cousin, who is about as old as I am; yet, I was taken aback the way a group of people told me who I was looking for. They said, “Are you looking for Gil Gabatan, that 50 year-old engineer who has about half a dozen kids in Australia?” I was stunned. What! He is 50 years old, and I’m now 49 years old? Am I this old? I cannot accept that. I’m just 36. Uh! I’m turning 37 this year. That’s totally unacceptable to me.
So I got up and looked at myself at the mirror. I posed for about two minutes trying to read some lines on my face as if they tell a lot of stories about my past and future.
I felt like giving several people a call. I wanted to call Steve, a colleague, who is about 39, to tell him, “Steve, I think I understand why you are behaving like that, and meeting an individual after another, and yet you aren’t satisfied even you have had many already, besides your family back home in the Philippines. I think you are so lonely. I feel like there’s a very big urge in you to communicate. You seem to be looking for understanding for that feeling of uneasiness, restlessness, perhaps insecurity, or inadequacy. Loneliness has become the result of not having enough people to talk with about the issues of life at your age now.”
I wanted to call Tom, another colleague of mine, who is about 30, to tell him, “Tom, I think I understand why you seem to be obsessive learning a new hobby—tennis. Besides your own reasons of fun, exercise, and others, maybe you are trying to occupy your mind with something that has been pushing you to do—the need of achievement while you are still young and able.”
I wanted to call a very close friend, who has just turned 35, to tell her, “I think I understand why I said ‘we’re running out of time’, and why I keep on longing for much longer time to be with you, to talk with you about many things—perhaps to understand why I’m behaving this way when I’m in the middle period of my life. I don’t understand why my need for communication, expression and understanding is so much and strong, like there has never been this much need to communicate in my life before. I don’t understand why thoughts of unfinished business, unfulfilled dreams and ambitions of the past flashed across my mind, as if I’m trying to understand the purpose of life, and whether I have done much for myself, for my family, for people and for God.”
Suddenly I thought of my wife who is 25 years old, and my baby who is 1 year old and 4 months, and told myself, “You two are very young, and the need for exploration is so strong, yet you seem to be taking life easily without pressure as if life is so long. I wish I were like you two.”
Then I felt a very strong urge to call my dad who is in the Philippines, who is 60 years old already, to tell him, “Dad, I’m turning almost 40 now and 50 ten years from now, and then 60, as old as you are, after another 10 years later. I’m no longer a baby, a kid, an adolescent, but a maturely grown middle-aged person. I’m so sorry dad. What have I done in my life? I still have some unfinished business to do. My dreams have not been achieved yet. I don’t understand why I’m still looking for a perfect family, a perfect life and a perfect future. I’m not perfect, either, and there’s no perfect thing in this life. I’m sorry for my failures, mistakes, and weaknesses. I missed talking with you about many things, like we used to do, from evening till morning every weekend before. I think I understand why you had that very strong urge to discuss things with me, and fantasize about many things you could have done, yet you wish that I could do them. That need in you to communicate was so strong that time. I can feel it now, because I’m having it now, too. I remember you said, ‘a midlife crisis.’”
I sobbed while writing this. Is this some sort of a midlife crisis—too much need to communicate: express the unexpressed, finish the unfinished, fulfill the unfilled, achieve the unachieved and understand the understood?
Another two faces came to my mind: My cousin named Jesus, a successful banker, about 50 years old, who told me that he felt the same thing before, as if a heart attack the last time we met in Mindanao Philippines, about 10 years ago; and Loida, a seemingly deeply religious and spiritual colleague of mine, who is about in her 40s, who I often see every morning having face of sleepless nights, probably caused by insomnia.
I was reminded by my close friend that even a priest she met has had this chronic stress for about 40 years since he was 40, and that some people died of stress or heart attack while having this crisis. She has been through the same experience, and that the need to find a therapist is great, to help her understand these issues.
But then I thought of God that I miss Him so much, and that I thought I have decided to give my life to Him, and that He is always there to go with me all the way, like He has been with me throughout my life, teaching me lessons in the hard way. He is the best Friend. I wanted Him to tell me why I still have this worry of counting my days backward, starting from 80 or 70 or 60 years old. Why I have this much preoccupation that life is so short and uncertain, while I believe I have put my trust in God? Oh, please, where are the sanest men in the world? Help me to understand the purpose of my life. Is this perhaps a mid-life crisis, or just the result of eating dinner late at night? (Take time laughing, just in case you are. I mean it…really!)
Ponder something…
God wrote in the Bible: “RSV Psalm 90:12 - So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.”
For articles regarding midlife crisis, you may read:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid-life_crisis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Understanding_the_Mid-Life_Crisis
http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/midlife.htm
http://www.lessonsforliving.com/midlife.htm
http://lifetwo.com/production/midlife-crisis-book-top
http://www.malehealth.co.uk/userpage1.cfm?item_id=125
